Help, is it appropriate for my child to ask for…
You want to give your 10 year old a cell phone or your 15 year old asked to learn how to drive. Your 9 year old student is still sucking his/ her thumb. You are unsure how to proceed and you are left with the big question – is it age appropriate?
It maybe something your student or child wants to do such as own a cell phone and you got to judge if it is right thing for them and you. Or it can be something they are currently doing, such as sucking a thumb and you are wondering if it is a red flag regarding their development, and you are questioning it all.
It is a question often asked by parents and educators. Can my child/ student do this? It is appropriate or is does their action seem off?
It is important to first take a look at a couple of things to answer the question of age appropriateness:
- Environment- friends and community
- What made them ask?- are they seeking attention, love
- Core Values- what are your goals and your values?
Core Values are important to help you figure out if something is appropriate for you:
Let us start with a core set of values when you begin teaching or are starting a family you should have a discussion of what your beliefs are. Discuss or think through what and how you want to raise your child/ children or teach your students.
Once you know that, you can look into communities and schools which practice your beliefs. Settling in a community that goes against your deepest desire sets you up for difficulties.
Take a look at Joanne, she wanted her daughter to graduate school and go to a 4 year college, however Joanne sent her daughter to a school where the majority of the graduates get a job once they complete high school. There is a minority that continues onto college. However, Joanne’s daughter feels like she had enough of learning and wants to do what her friends are doing. Many of them are working and have their Sundays free and she wants the same.
Had Joanne settled in a community where most of her daughter’s friends would have continued on with their schooling, her daughter probably would have done the same. In addition, what was the atmosphere at home? Did Joanne celebrate her daughter’s studying and hard work in school? Did she share her dream and hopes for her to get a degree?
When you have a set of values you will have an easier time answering your own question if things are appropriate.
What made your child ask for something that you are unsure if it is appropriate?
You believe that screen time is awful for your child and you limit the time they can have. Yup, that is a core value for you!
Now when a 10 year old ask for a cell phone, is it because he/she wants more screen time? Then you know your answer. Is it because he/she goes to soccer practice and needs an easy way to call you?
Never jump to conclusions as to why the child asked something. Question them and then respond.
“What will you do with a cell phone, Nathan?”
The child’s response can help you decide if it is something appropriate for you and you are OK with it. In addition, you can always tell a child you want to think about it and will get back to them, though make sure you do!
Know that sometimes things are appropriate and OK for you and not for others and vice versa.
Environment influences:
Sometimes you chose the community and friends your child has yet there will always be something that you might not like. How do you deal with it? Your child wants a cell phone because all of his/ her friends have one. You spoke to the other parents to hear the purpose and it seems that most of the gave their child a phone due to peer pressure. Is that going against your set of values? If not perhaps you can purchase a phone with set limits.
It is important to note 2 things:
- 80/20 rule- dont say no if you do not need to say no ( 80% of the time say yes if you can and 20% should be no)
- if it goes against your values do not give in!- your values should not be flexible, sometimes it is OK to do something and sometimes not. Your child will learn we do not go against our values.
Of course, sometimes you may be flexible though it is within reason ex: such as you allow 30 minutes of screen time a day and on a hot rainy day you allow an hour, that is because circumstances have changed it is not because your child is making you crazy that he/she wants more time!
Teach your child to be proud of who they are: In the Jones family we do not learn to drive until we are old enough to be in college.
If you did not think through a set of values and now your child is questioning what you think should not be done, go through them now!
If your child/ student is doing something that you deem inappropriate:
Take a look at environment- are they doing due to peer pressure or are they stressed out.
Lea sucks her thumb. Her teacher noticed that she does it when she calls on her to answer a question. Can it be that she finds it stressful when she does not know the answer or is shy to talk in front of the class? Her thumb sucking is a habit born our of desperation and should be worked with accordingly. Work with her on how to deal with stress.
If it is a bad habit that you are noticing often then take note how often it occurs if there is any specific time it occurs and then get help to deal with it.
John constantly wets his bed. Does he do it every night? Does he do it when he knows mom and or dad went out and he has a sitter? Is his home stressful now? a recent move or new baby? Is he doing OK in school? is he being bullied? has friends? or he just never slept through a night when he did not wet his bed. Helping John will depend on the answers to these questions. Always speak to your physician if you are concerned and they can recommend additional assistance.
Sometimes a doctor would say it is OK.
Natalie is 3 and has a hard time pronouncing some common words that her friends are all saying with ease. As a teacher you mention it to the parents and just recommend them to check it out. No need to be concerned if the doctor says she will catch on. It may just be a delay. As long as you are on top of the situation. The doctor may just say that at this age it is appropriate and OK for 3 year old not to be so clear in their speech.
When concerned if your child is up to par- take a look at the environment, has there been changes and just ask a professional they will let you know if something is appropriate age wise or not.